Scary, scary things

Again random updates without any real direction. I'm in a very "stream of conscious flow" mood tonight. Enjoy and please share ideas.

Well, it only took 3 20-25 minute long trips to find the accoutrements I needed, but I did get to spend a lovely evening on the phone. Well, an hour and a half really, but it was lots of fun. And by fun I mean that I was squirming, whimpering, pouting, crying out "no fair", breathing heavily and generally having a gay ole time. I like these phone calls alot. And there gets to be another tomorrow. Tomorrow when I guarantee I will have my phone fully charged and be available longer.

Why is it things, that would send any normal boy my age running away, seem to excite me? Normal people don't dream about these sorts of things. Normal people don't have these fantasies. Normal people don't do this. Normal people are fine just having normal vanilla sex. Normal people don't need floggers, whips, collars or anything else to have fun.

Then I remember I haven't been normal ever.

Still, this isn't exactly little stuff. I mean, I'm mentally moving more from thinking about purely bottoming type things to more submissive type things. Thinking more about obedience and about rules and following rules and really submitting. Thinking more about the mental and emotional stuff.

This all scares me. And most of it scares me in a pretty good way. But some of it in a really scary kind of way.

I need to just think alot and breathe deeply and just accept things without trying to deconstruct why my dick gets hard.

But at the same time, I think that its important for me to keep moving slowly, to keep gently pushing ahead and trust that even though I can't see very fair down the path I'm walking, atleast someone is walking with me and atleast they know where we are headed. I need to trust them to be looking out for our collective best interests, while also keeping my own head alert and watching carefully. Yes thats the game to play.

In other news. My backslide was, um, abruptly brought to an end earlier this evening. Abruptly and with little discussion. Which I know is for the best. And I think because I asked very nicely and didn't fight what I knew was best for me, I am allowed one more cigarette. When I take Dawson to the Airport. One then to celebrate things and then I'm done again. I'm secretly happy that I got corrected in this manner and also that someone is letting me have one more. So yeah.

Work blows as per usual, but tonight could have been much much worse.

I am pretty sure that I'm about to discover that 12 days is a very long time. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to find out some things are easier with a little motivation. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to secretly enjoy these next several days, well enjoy and mildly hate them too. Well, the 12 already started about 3.5 hours ago so time to just run with it and have fun.

If it weren't for the fact that being abnormal is too much damn fun, I'd really want to be normal.

Okay, enough assorted ramblings. If I'm lucky I get to see Jonathan tomorrow and have him alone in a room for awhile. I need to talk to him. I need to get his advice.

Jake Bullet