Monday, May 01, 2006

I was in the middle of making the bed, but then I realized I just want to write. And I owe it to some people in my life to write about some stuff. So this may have a sort of stream of conciouness feel to it, hopefully its readable.

-I'm over at Sally Jane's place, I'll be leaving in like 3 hours, but I only have maybe 45 minutes worth of tasks to do and thats if I move at a slow pace. So I'm not worried.

-I'm getting more and more concerned about my appetite of late. See, since approximately when I started a new medicine, my appetite has gone down like 50-67%. I'm only eating half to a third of what I normally eat. And part of me says "well its not like you don't have ten's of thousnads of calories stored around your midsection, so just don't worry about it.". And I have lost a significant amount of weight both in terms of pounds and in terms of inches over the past few weeks. Which is good, I need to lose weight. And this isn't like the med I tried like 4 years ago which made it absolutely impossible to eat for a week. I can eat, I sort of want to eat, but not really.....its just, I look around at various kitchens and resturants and delivery places and see nothing I want.

-The other day I went out to dinner with Andrew and I wanted comfert food. So, we go to the chain of pasta stores and order my ultimate personal comfert food A large order of Mac and Cheese, Chicken on the side and evtra cheese. Cool, right? I grab choptix (look its a thing, leave me alone) and toss the chicken in the pasta and begin to eat. And I don't want any more of it at half way. It pretty much tastes fine, and I'm with good company and the discussion isn't such that I can't split my attention between Andrew and my food. But I decide to keep trying to pick at food. And in the end, I *can't* eat any more, I don't want anymore and just looking at it is making me slightly sick. And there is still a third of the dish in the plate. And for the record, I have *never* ordered that dish and not finished it easily. I'm getting slightly concerned. But I can't shake the voice that says "Um, dude, you need to lose weight badly, like medically, so don't fuck with something thats thinning you out". Oh well.

-Tonight, Batina and Sally Jane and I are going running, we're training for a marathon, the Chicago marathon. Later this week we will sign up for the marathon with the non-redundable, no-transferable, pretty up there cost. So its either run it or blow the cash. If I can run a marathon, I can do anything.

-In about 5 minutes, I'm going to use WebMD or something to learn more about the new meds.

-Then there was the party yesterday. Which went....less well, which is my doing. It was a fun party. A bunch of pervs including Jakc, Batina, Sally Jane, me, Sally Jane's new boy, and serveal other good pervy friends. And somewhere in between walking in and half way through, I went from in a good mood and talking and being social and all that jazz, to completely flat. I was in such a funk that I was bringing down the entire mood of the party. And everyone saw it. And everyone asked about it. And Sally Jane and Batina tried the little things that normally help perk me up (playing with the back of my head, giving me a micro endorphin rush by twisting my nip, etc). And nothing helped. And I just sat there the whole party, bring everyone down, not saying anything, with a long face. And I feel bad that I fucked up the party. And I know Sally Jane and Batina are worried about me, which is totally understandable. And everyone, including me, is confused because I don't know why or how or when it happened. And so, now I'm here, spewing in my blog because I don't know what to say or do. I need to find a way either not to be flat, or to quickly recover. Grrrrr.

-Later this week, its time to get better running shoes and the training book we are using on running a marathon. Myabe I'll hit up Amazon and order now.

-My parents and I still have hours of "discussions" left to have which thrills me to no end. I just want a car to use, and to be back at my own house again. Grrrrr.

-I need to talk to Andrew and figure out if Saturday works for him.

-The weirdest thing about not eating, is that I'm hungry, sort of, but I don't want to eat. In fact in the last 24 hours, I've had a few beers, a few Rockstar's, a gluecose tab, and a small amount of baked beans. Oh, and a few strawberries with a bit of cake/tor/pie thingy. Thats not alot. Thats alot less than normal. And I keep looking around for something I actually want to eat, and I see nothing even remotely appetizing. Nothing. This is getting odd.

-I wish I had answers for Sally Jane and Batina about yesterday. And I wish I had some answers for when even more people start asking me about the party come munch time. And I wish I had answer for myself. Grrrrrr. Becuase I know Sally Jane is confused, and I know that Batina feels me mentally screaming into her ear. And I know everyone else is wondering a combination of "whats wrong with Jake/Did I do something?". And I can do is say that I don't think it was driving over (I don't like cars but I freak out whenever I have to be a passenger) which I know Sally Jane worried about. And I don't think that anyone did or said anything thing messed with my head. So, I'm leaft pretty sure it wasn't 2 things, but without even a good theory as to why I was so off my game.

-I should go work on chores and then grab a shower and then get ready to head over to Batina's for our run. Me thinks that it would be easiest for us all, once we figure out how long all of this takes us to do, to scheudle it into our various calanders the same as an appointment or a date.

Alright, time to be productive.

Jake Bullet