D/s versus S&M

::blushing furiously and squirming around at Siren's comment, quietly taking the penny you gave me into my pocket::

Yes Siren I'm sure that you do have a delightful little store in mind. Not that the idea of going to that store with you and pushing my comfort level simultaneously scares the shit out of me and excites me or anything.

Well, alright, I have a little more time tonight and I want to expand on the comment I made yesterday. Yesterday I said:

First idea, I am more okay with my like of S&M than I am with D/s. D/s type things are still scary and all that and still occasionally have me saying "Am I really doing this?". I still really really like the concept of D/s and want to do it, but I'm less sure of my footing there.

I wanted to clarify this and expand a little bit. The short explanation for that comment is that the notion of really doing real time D/s scares me because I've never had a chance to really do it. What I mean by that is that I have done enough S&M scenes that I'm relatively accepting of those activities, while I've never had the privledge of being in a real time, real life official D/s relationship. And that makes D/s new to me.

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but new things scare me....alot. My first munch, play party, convention and scene were all deeply frightening and a little bit unnerving for me. Things which are new are hard for me, they're a definite challenge and they are difficult for me.

The other reason why D/s scares me and why I am a little less sure of myself is the commitment it takes. One can have a good S&M scene with a few minutes of negotiation and a free hour or two. After the scene is finished (and the wonderful aftercare has been taken care of) two people can part ways, each happy with the scene without much follow up. (Side note: Obviously I encourage more negotiation, longer scenes and talking afterwards whenever possible.) D/s though isn't like that. Its different.

You can't negotiate a real D/s relationship in a few minutes or even in a few days time. Its something huge, something super important, something that should be deeply meaningful and special. There's weeks and months of constant on-going negotiation, subtle give and take, minor adjustments, screwups and great moments. Plus its requires an ongoing commitment. You can say to your partner, if its just S&M, "well hey, I just don't feel like being beaten today". In a D/s relationship, you can still try to say that, but in the end, if your partner snaps and points at the ground, you're still expected to be on your knees and obedient. Its that 24/7 thing. The using titles even when standing in line together at the bank. The "constantness" of it. The specialness of it. The really submitting to someone and there rules and expectations and desires.

Those things that scare me. But at the same time, I'd sell my right foot on eBay for the chance to do it with the right person. Hell, I'd sell my body to science for the opportunity to do it.

I intended for this to be a little more coherent and put together, but alas, my brain simply isn't working very well right now. And Its time for little boys to sleep. So alas, I must be off.

Jake Bullet