There was a party over the weekend that I went to, but didn't really enjoy at all.

All the ussual suspects were there and I had been in a really great mood leading up to the party. I had a few scenes being negotiated, it was a chance to see some people I don't get to see often enough, and the playspace is really great. The plan was to head out there and grill out and hang out. Then possibly play and have a good time.

And I just didn't have any fun at all. I did one pretty mild brief scene with a good friend. Normally we play harder and longer, but I just wasn't feeling it and so I called it. Didn't safeword, just said that I was done during a pause in the action. And, that scene wasn't very much fun. I mean if the scale is -10 to 10 with 0 being neutral, -10 being appallingly horrid and 10 being super fabulous.....it was like a 2 or 3. Not bad, just not really all that good. I was hoping that scene would get me in a better mood but it didn't.

I was smart enough to cancel a scene that I had asked to do with Batina. I just knew if we did it, that it would end poorly. I'm very glad I decided not to play even though I wanted to and even though I really want the type of scene I asked for.

In thinking about this, I've realized that I can't remember the last private party that went well for me. Everytime one happens, I seem to have some sort of issue. Ussually a bad reaction to a scene. But every event in the past few months has started with me walking into feeling bad, feeling off, feeling that things somehow aren't right. And each time, things seem to go badly.

And I know that its bringing down other people. I mean, parties are like that. One sad person is infectious. Right now, I'm considering whether I even want to go to the next party, whenever it is or even go to the next big event (KinkyKollege). Everytime I go, it seems to end badly, so better to just skip it is my thinking.

Right now the munch is on an every other week schedule rather than weekly. And tomorrow we have a munch....I'm thinking of not going. Just finding something else to do with tomorrow night. I just can't seem to get interested and happy (at the same time) about BDSM recently. And I'm not exactly sure what to do either.

Anyway, I'll figure it all out eventually.

Jake