Its entirely possible that Batina hit it on the head with a conversation we had about 30 minutes ago. As some of you may have guessed from the last post, I'm just really feeling the BDSM vibe in myself as of late. Which I find both disconcerting and highly annoying.

I've tried the last few days to respark the interest, hoping that I was having a momentary hiccup in the libido department. And I was sure this would work. Find a little awesome porn, find a new fantasy or fetish to mentally play around with, or just sleep it off like bad tequila. And its not really been working. I mean the goodies are working just fine, but one shouldn't have to try much harder than normal to get off when looking at and reading some of your favorite porn. One shouldn't have 4 windows open, each with a different favorite fetish, and still be working to get a firm erection rather than a half assed one. I've tried approaching my favorite fantasies from the top and bottom side. And nothing.

This is actually pissing me off alot. I mean, its one thing to have a few bad scenes, a few days of feeling off your game. Thats completely acceptable. But, this is just pissing me off.

And Batina, being the wonderful person that she is, did a little research on what I was feeling. And she thinks that I might be burned out on BDSM. And the worst part is, she very well may be right.
And really what she told me, and my quick research (which will likely be confirmed by more indepth research) tell me I have 2 basic options.

One is I can tone down the BDSM or temporarily eliminate it. Just give myself a rest for awhile. Just not play, or attend munchs or maybe even skip conventions till the spark comes back. Wait a few weeks or months till the spark comes back on its own.

Option 2 is that I spend some time trying to remember why I like BDSM. Go back over old checklists, remember and focus on good scenes, try to rekindle my interest in the scene and push away or eliminate the parks causing me stress.

And I am sorely tempted to try my own option 3. Which would be to say that the idea that I'm tired of BDSM is crap. To throw myself even more headfirst into the scene. To hide any feelings behind a carefully constructed mask. To basically leap headfirst back in and hope for the best. And I may end up with that option or with one of the other two.

I'm not happy that I'm burned out. I don't even want to admit that I am. In fact, I'm not admitting it. I'm willing to grant that the possibility exists that I'm a little tired. But thats all.

Anyway, I have a long to do list in front of me, 3 open Word documents with some important stuff in each one of them, plans for tonight and some reading to do. So I'm going to go get started on my lists of stuff and think a little.

Jake

There was a party over the weekend that I went to, but didn't really enjoy at all.

All the ussual suspects were there and I had been in a really great mood leading up to the party. I had a few scenes being negotiated, it was a chance to see some people I don't get to see often enough, and the playspace is really great. The plan was to head out there and grill out and hang out. Then possibly play and have a good time.

And I just didn't have any fun at all. I did one pretty mild brief scene with a good friend. Normally we play harder and longer, but I just wasn't feeling it and so I called it. Didn't safeword, just said that I was done during a pause in the action. And, that scene wasn't very much fun. I mean if the scale is -10 to 10 with 0 being neutral, -10 being appallingly horrid and 10 being super fabulous.....it was like a 2 or 3. Not bad, just not really all that good. I was hoping that scene would get me in a better mood but it didn't.

I was smart enough to cancel a scene that I had asked to do with Batina. I just knew if we did it, that it would end poorly. I'm very glad I decided not to play even though I wanted to and even though I really want the type of scene I asked for.

In thinking about this, I've realized that I can't remember the last private party that went well for me. Everytime one happens, I seem to have some sort of issue. Ussually a bad reaction to a scene. But every event in the past few months has started with me walking into feeling bad, feeling off, feeling that things somehow aren't right. And each time, things seem to go badly.

And I know that its bringing down other people. I mean, parties are like that. One sad person is infectious. Right now, I'm considering whether I even want to go to the next party, whenever it is or even go to the next big event (KinkyKollege). Everytime I go, it seems to end badly, so better to just skip it is my thinking.

Right now the munch is on an every other week schedule rather than weekly. And tomorrow we have a munch....I'm thinking of not going. Just finding something else to do with tomorrow night. I just can't seem to get interested and happy (at the same time) about BDSM recently. And I'm not exactly sure what to do either.

Anyway, I'll figure it all out eventually.

Jake

I'm back

And once again, Jake has failed to update his blog for, um, like forever. But, I'm back in a blog writting mood and I always loved writting here when it was a good habit, so yeah, we'll see how this goes.

First, had a wonderful date with Batina the other night, good times were had by all.

Second, because there is a just and loving god, I picked up my new car a few hours ago. Its a beautifully maintained Mazda 626 with lots of cool features. And its only about $200 more than my settlement. And I was looking at cars that were as much as $800 more than my settlement (plus tax, title, plates, etc) which were much less fabulous. Now I get to show it off. The sale went so smoothly, I am so happy that little bit of my life is over with.

Thirdly, hopefully, soon, like sometime next week, I will be able to move my primary residence back to my apartment. Which is good because all my stuff is there and I need to spend more time there and I want to get out of my parents place.

Fourth, I have a meeting with the chair of the department at school later this week to see about making the process of finishing a little easier. Hopefully, it will go well.

And lastly, I have a party tonight. At the same place and approx. the same time of year as my very first pervy party. Hopefully I'll have fun stories of that soon enough.

Well, time to go get something tasty to bring to the party and then get dressed. I will try to update more often in the coming days.

Jake